My Story - Niko R

I am Niko R., a student of social work and industrial design and this is my story. I grew up in a normal, middle-class family. As a child, I lived with my grandparents in a small village while my mother studied engineering. I was a relatively reserved and sensitive child even as a child, which is why I was bullied. I also had friends with whom I spent a lot of time. After my mother graduated, I moved to live with her and my stepfather in a big city, where I went to school. In 2006, after my grandfather died, we moved to Germany. My grandfather's death was the beginning of a series of symptoms, which were made worse by emigration. I thought I was escaping my problems and starting life with a clean slate abroad, but it turned out differently. I suffered from culture shock abroad, even though Finland and Germany were close countries and cultures. My grief turned into depression and the depression deepened to the point that I began to behave in a self-harming manner; I cut and pulled my hair out. My parents were already sending me back to Finland at one point, but somehow I perked up and got over my depression. Nowadays, I understand that phase as more of a premonition than a real recovery. I avoided depressive symptoms. In 2009, I had to make a choice; whether to move back to Finland or stay in Germany. I ended up in Finland because I wanted to experience Finnish high school. High school started well in Finland, I made a lot of friends and a group of 30 people formed around me, with whom I still interact daily, although most of them now live elsewhere. My health was relatively stable in the early days of high school, although I suffered from challenges related to identity and self. I did not feel like I belonged in Finland, but neither in Germany, and I really missed Germany back. The culture shock also hit me in an absurd way when I moved to Finland, but luckily I had friends who supported me. Manic symptoms crept to the surface when I was 18. I partied a lot, spent recklessly on bars and drugs, and I had lost control of my life. Sometimes I had small breakdowns and no one really understood what it was. I had my final breakdown in my senior year, when I went to my mother's doctor, who gave me antidepressants, which only made my manic symptoms worse. However, I graduated from high school on time and with good grades. After high school, I moved to the capital for work, and my symptoms only got worse there. My manic symptoms turned into pure mania through hypomania, and I thought I was the king of the world. I got a lot of good feedback from my superiors and clients. I took extra shifts, slept maybe a couple of hours a night, partied a lot, bought everything for nothing, took sudden trips abroad with friends, and my behavior was otherwise really risky. I made a lot of friends and new acquaintances, and I was very outgoing and social. I was good at what I did and was successful at my job. However, as everyone knows, mania often turns into depression? In the summer of 2013, I finally collapsed and attempted suicide. I fought with my friend for control of the kitchen knife. When that failed, I fled the scene into the nearby woods. My friend had called the police to search for me. Just as I was trying to jump off a cliff. The police caught me and took me to the hospital, from where I was then transferred to another hospital, where I then spent the summer and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. When I got out of the hospital, I stopped taking the medication, which led to another manic episode, which led to me going to Germany to party at festivals, but that didn't go well either, and I ended up in the hospital again for a treatment period in the fall of 2013. I was able to leave the hospital again and lived a balanced life until January 2014, when I had to be hospitalized again for a treatment period on a compulsory referral due to my psychotic-level depression, suicidal tendencies, and auditory hallucinations. At the hospital and the Bipolar Disorder Research Center, the diagnosis was refined to schizoaffective disorder, i.e. an illness that combines the good and bad sides of schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. In the spring and summer of 2014, I was in the hospital for several episodes. I also attempted suicide with medication in the summer of 2014 on my birthday, but my friend managed to call an ambulance to my house because he was worried about my condition. I was in the intensive care unit for a week and on dialysis. I ended up in the hospital again after a suicide attempt, from which I escaped. I ended up in the hospital again a week later when I was found confused and speaking German in a metro station. I had reportedly tried to jump under the morning metro. I spent a year in the emergency room and psychiatric hospitals until I somehow managed to regain my balance in 2015. This is thanks to the reduction in working hours. I worked about 20 hours a week and this helped me recover. In the summer of 2016, I applied to study social sciences and psychology in Germany, getting into both and choosing social sciences. I moved to Germany in the fall and my health was stable, but my studies were really stressful and the days were long. Finally, in the spring of 2017, I experienced a real collapse and psychosis struck. The coffee looked like blood, I thought a police car was idling outside and the accusing and oppressive voice hallucinations returned. I thought I was being persecuted and froze at home. I didn't dare go outside or anywhere. Even home felt scary and oppressive. It felt like home was breathing and persecuting. That's why I spent nights in the bathroom. I didn't understand texts and I even told my mother on a Skype call that where the limits of my language are, the limits of my mind are. My mother then forced me to come back to Finland on the first flight so that my symptoms wouldn't get worse. After a little persuasion (I thought my mother was against me), I agreed to book flights and flew to Finland. In Finland, my mother was waiting for me at the airport and took me straight to a psychiatric hospital. I refused to go there, but eventually my mother and her nurse persuaded me to go inside and I stayed in the ward. While I was in the ward, I came to the conclusion that I would never return to Germany again, but would stay in Finland. I then ended up applying to study social work at university because I was fascinated by social problems and support networks were close to me. For the past 7-8 years, I have been rehabilitating and recovering here, although the rehabilitation and recovery process has been a long and rocky road. There have been occasional setbacks, but I have overcome them. I am currently studying with the help of a permanent disability pension. In addition, I receive housing allowance for pensioners and care allowance for pensioners, i.e. disability allowance, and I have a supported housing care worker, who was assigned to me by my social worker from the welfare services county and from the housing services. In addition, I have an occupational therapist who visits me once a week. I also had wonderful nurses who supported and promoted my rehabilitation. I feel that finding the right medication has had an impact on my rehabilitation and recovery. At the best of times, I had several medications, but now I manage with one injectable medication that I only have to take every two months. I go to an injection group, where I have also received peer support, sympathy and of course - coffee and pastries. Today, my sense of illness is also good and I feel that psychoeducation has also been beneficial. I have learned about the stress-vulnerability model and in this way I have learned to avoid stressors in my life that could trigger a psychotic episode. My goal is to graduate as an industrial designer in the next few years and possibly also complete my social work studies and work as a designer in mental health and substance abuse services and/or social security, taking into account my resources.