When everything hurts, and nothing helps.

Sometimes the pain is so big it feels like it will crush you. Sometimes your thoughts are so dark you’re scared of yourself. Sometimes you lose time. Sometimes you want to die. Sometimes you want to disappear.

This chapter is not about fixing that. It’s about making it through that—one minute at a time.

🔹 What the Worst Days Can Feel Like

  • You don’t recognize your own thoughts

  • You’re convinced nothing will ever get better

  • Everything is loud, fast, and terrifying—or silent and empty

  • You feel too broken to come back from it

  • You’ve lost touch with what’s real

These are not signs of weakness. They’re symptoms. They’re signals. They’re not the end—even when they feel like it.

🛑 First: Are You Safe?

If you are feeling actively suicidal or unsafe:

  • Call a crisis line

  • Text a warmline

  • Go to the nearest ER or crisis center

  • Tell someone you trust—even if it’s hard

  • Use a safety plan if you’ve made one

There is no shame in needing emergency support. You are not wasting anyone’s time. You matter.

🔹 If You’re Not in Crisis, But Close

Here are ways people with SZA get through the worst hours:

➤ Freeze time

  • Wrap yourself in blankets

  • Turn off the lights

  • Put on headphones

  • Let the world get quiet

➤ Use body-based tools

  • Hold something cold or heavy

  • Lie on the floor

  • Clench and release muscles

  • Rock back and forth

➤ Talk to someone (or something)

  • Call or text a peer

  • Talk to your pet or a stuffed animal

  • Leave yourself a voice note

  • Write “I don’t want to die, I want this to stop”

➤ Distract without judgment

  • Watch something comforting

  • Scroll mindlessly if it helps

  • Repeat the same song over and over

  • Play a stupid game on your phone

➤ Make micro-promises

  • “I’ll stay until morning.”

  • “I’ll eat a cracker.”

  • “I’ll tell someone if I still feel like this in an hour.”

  • “I’ll just make it to the next breath.”

🔹 If You’re Scared of Yourself

Schizoaffective disorder can bring terrifying thoughts—some that don’t feel like yours at all.

  • You are not your thoughts.

  • You are not your impulses.

  • You are not your worst moment.

If you feel unsafe, take space. Tell someone. Let your meds or team help.
You are not evil. You are not beyond help. You are having a symptom.

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